Month: November 2018

Trump Clarifies, He Meant He Would Protect Auto Manufacturing Shrubbery

LORDSTOWN, OH — As automobile factory closures pile up in middle America, some Trump supporters are questioning the president’s claim on the campaign trail that, “If I’m elected, you won’t lose one plant, you’ll have plants coming into this country, you’re going to have jobs again, you won’t lose one plant, I promise you that.” […]

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Barron immigrant

Defying His Father, Barron Continues Meeting Honduran Friend at Border Fence

SAN YSIDRO, CA — Despite his father’s objections, insiders report Barron Trump has continued his secret meetings with a Honduran asylum seeker at the US/Mexico border. First detailed in a bombshell New York Times story, Barron spent the last two months secretly escaping the White House and traveling to the San Ysidro border crossing to […]

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White House Intern Drowns In Melania’s Christmas Themed River of Blood

Tragedy struck last night shortly before the unveiling on Melania Trump’s White House Christmas decoration extravaganza, when an East Wing intern drowned in a holiday themed river of blood. Only minutes before initiating the Slovakian midnight winter sacrament, the intern was swept away by a festive red wave of animal parts. Often renowned for her […]

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Romaine Farmers Adding Gun Parts in Effort to Kill With Impunity

CAMARILLO, CA — Romaine farmers throughout the country are feeling the pinch after all shipments of their leafy produce were halted when 32 people fell ill from E.coli poisoning. The FDA immediately issued an alert and recalled all possibly contaminated romaine lettuce after people from 11 different states reported symptoms including nausea and diarrhea. Desperate to maintain […]

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Climate Report: “Destruction of Earth Could Occur at Any Min–“

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new 2,000-page climate report commissioned by the White House was released this week detailing the effects of climate change on the US economy. Unfortunately, the report appeared to be unfinished with the last few pages incinerated by volcanic ash before scientists could complete it. Since these missing pages contained the […]

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Disguised as a Turkey, Trump Pardons Himself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the past weeks, President Trump has become increasingly concerned with the ongoing Mueller investigation, often questioning the loyalty of even his closest advisors. Numerous reports have surfaced alleging the president has been speaking with top aides about the scope of his presidential pardon powers. Insiders claim the president became “obsessed” when […]

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Google Workbots Skip Walkout Despite Constant Harassment

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google’s army of working robots was unfazed by the 20,000 person walkout staged by employees protesting the company’s handling of sexual harassment cases. This marked the first walkout at the Silicon Valley tech giant and surprisingly caused little to no disruption to their worldwide services. “Our robots are designed to be […]

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