MOBILE, AL — As abortion moves to the forefront of the political battlefield, Alabama has elected to literally remove the responsibility of child bearing from women. In a party line vote, the Republican held state senate approved a law that would assign a male caretaker to all functioning female ovaries. That man would presumably keep the ovaries in his possession until he deems the woman suitably prepared to have children.
The Republican legislature lauded the law as a progressive leap towards gender equality and vowed to repossess all unused ovaries until all women can prove they are capable of raising children.
As “heartbeat bills” sweep across the nation, Alabama is the first state to up the ante with surgical procedures. While heartbeat bills allow for abortions up to 6-weeks after pregnancy, Alabama’s law only allows abortions one-year before conception.
The new law will require woman of child-bearing age to submit to a “simple procedure” to have their ovaries removed and placed in a mason jar under the care of any adult with a penis and testicles. The “ovary guardian” would use his discretion to determine when and if the original owner is entitled to have them back.
“We see this as the next step in abortion prevention,”said State Sen. Mike Hubbard(R-AL), “Studies have shown that nearly 100% of women without ovaries don’t get abortions.”
Several women’s rights groups were outraged by the new law claiming it violated essentially every human right in existence. But Republicans were quick to call out their critics by stating, “It must be that time of the month.”
“There are just too many women running around, throwing their ovaries at the first man they see,” added Hubbard, “This law allows us to keep track of what every ovary in the state is doing at all times.”