Category: FEATURED

Garlic violence

GOP Demands Investigation into Violence Inducing Properties of Garlic Consumption

GILROY, CA — As disturbing images of the mass shooting at the Gilroy Garlic Festival circulate social media, Republican leadership is demanding an investigation into the link between garlic consumption and gun violence. After a gunman opened fire at the annual event, killing 3 and injuring 12, many in the GOP are questioning what role […]

Read More
Trump racist

Trump Advisors Urge Him to Degrade More White People

WASHINGTON, DC — In the aftermath of his racist attacks on Elijah Cummings and his majority black district in Baltimore, White House advisors are stepping in to urge President Trump to insult more white people. Over the past month, Trump has leveled numerous vicious attacks on people of color, using terms like ‘infested’ and ‘crime-ridden’ […]

Read More
Moscow Mitch

Russian Operative in Loose-Fitting Skin Suit Defeats Election Security

WASHINGTON, DC — In a surprise move that pushed the limits of his cover, Russian operative Mitkh Mikkonilov was able to single-handedly defeat two election security bills that were brought before the Senate. Familiarly known by his cover identity, Mitch McConnell, Mikkonilov has quietly climbed the political ranks to become the Senate Majority Leader. During […]

Read More
Boris Brexit

Boris Johnson Lays Out Detailed Plan of Excuses for His Future Brexit Failure

LONDON, UK — Newly appointed UK Prime Minster Boris Johnson has already begun work on a plan to explain why he was unable to oversee a successful Brexit. While many in Parliament had hoped the father of Brexit would come with a detailed solution to the complexities of leaving the EU, Johnson instead ordered his […]

Read More
Trump parade

Fourth of July Celebration to Feature Tanks Rolling Over Protesters

WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump has demanded that this years Fourth of July celebration include military tanks crushing protestors who stand in their path. What started as a “non-partisan” parade to celebrate America, has quickly turned into a day to pay tribute to a president with sagging approval ratings. Many in Washington were opposed to […]

Read More
new press secretary

New Press Secretary Eager to Start Not Doing Her Job

WASHINGTON, DC — Today, newly appointed White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham, said she is excited to fill the empty press podium left by outgoing secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Sanders, who did not held a formal press briefing in her final 100 days in office, said she expects Grisham to do an excellent job doing […]

Read More
Mueller second report

Mueller Releases 900-Page Report Detailing How Disappointing His Testimony Will Be

WASHINGTON, DC — In the lead up to Robert Mueller’s testimony before Congress, the Special Counsel has released a 900-page report meant to manage the expectations of those eager to see the President impeached. A man of few words, Mueller once again opted to write a long-winded report, read only by Rep. Justin Amash(I-MI), that […]

Read More
Trump prejudice

Trump Condemns Democrats’ Prejudice Towards Prejudice

ORLANDO, FL — President Trump kicked off his 2020 re-election campaign this week with many of the same messages he used in 2016. In fact, entire sections of his Orlando speech appeared to be pulled directly from campaign speeches four years ago. But the centerpiece of his rambling, conspiracy theory ridden, monologue was Democrats intolerance […]

Read More
ghost of democracy

Ghost of Democracy Haunting Elevator in Senate Office Building

WASHINGTON, DC — What started as rumors whispered between interns in the Russell Senate Office Building, have turned into a full on haunting after repeated ghost sightings in the Senate elevator. Several insiders claim staffers are on edge after numerous reports of a ghostly, corpse-like figure floating through the halls of the historic government building. […]

Read More
Trump Trade war

Trump Threatens to Start Businesses in China if They Don’t Agree to Trade Deal

BEIJING, CHINA — As Trump’s trade war with China escalates, a White House in chaos in examining any option to end the conflict without appearing weak. On Monday, Trump threatened to begin opening and bankrupting Trump-branded businesses in China, a move that has could potentially cost the Chinese billions. After a New York Times article […]

Read More
wall of ignorance

Construction Begins on Wall of Ignorance Surrounding Republican Party

WASHINGTON, DC — After much heated debate, construction has finally begun on an impenetrable wall of ignorance that will soon enshroud the Republican party. Once complete, party members say they will be safe from ideas of liberty, civil rights, social justice, and truth. Although the penetration of such concepts have slowed to a mere trickle […]

Read More
Ovaries in a jar

Alabama Votes to Have Men Hold onto Ovaries Until Ready For Use

MOBILE, AL — As abortion moves to the forefront of the political battlefield, Alabama has elected to literally remove the responsibility of child bearing from women. In a party line vote, the Republican held state senate approved a law that would assign a male caretaker to all functioning female ovaries. That man would presumably keep […]

Read More
Obama's economy

Obama Uncertain How Much Longer He Can Prop Up Economy

WASHINGTON, DC — The job numbers are in and former president Obama’s economy remains impressive. As economic trends from his administration continue their upward movement, the ex-president has admitted he may not be able to sustain the momentum much longer. While President Trump has spent his first two years in office making every attempt to […]

Read More
Georgia rapists

Georgia Rapists Rejoice Being Awarded Rights Women are Too Emotional to Wield

SAVANNAH, GA — Among the dozens of Georgia rapists gathered around the television at Savannah Correctional Facility, few could hold back their excitement when the announcement was broadcast. Governor Brian Kemp(R-GA) had just signed a bill virtually banning abortions in the state even in cases of rape, incest, and child molestation. “A lot of the […]

Read More
Barr cheeseburger

Report Reveals Barr’s Loyalty Bought with Backchannel Cheeseburger Payments

WASHINGTON, DC — As questions swirl about what would cause a longtime Washington insider like Bill Barr to sacrifice his reputation for the embattled president, new details are emerging about secret White House meetings between the two men over the past 3-months. A startling new report reveals a sordid tale of a desperate president trying […]

Read More
2020 presidential hopefuls

Mob of Presidential Hopefuls Descend on Home of Undecided New Hampshire Couple

CONCORD, NH — As the race for the presidency heats up, hundreds of Democratic presidential hopefuls jammed into the home of an undecided elderly couple for a marathon 19-hour town hall style debate. What started as a simple meet-and-greet for the two independent voters, soon snowballed into a caravan of campaign managers dumping busloads of […]

Read More
Putin and Kim

Putin and Kim Meet to Make Fun of the Length of Trump’s Term

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian president Vladimir Putin met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un this week to poke fun at President Trump’s very short term in office. Both leaders have held their posts for 19 and 8 years respectively, and show no signs of relinquishing power in the near future. President Trump has made no […]

Read More
Trump Earth Day

Trump Administration Celebrates Earth Day by Praising Other Seven Planets

WASHINGTON, DC — In a two-hour Earth Day celebration speech on the White House lawn today, President Trump did not make a single mention of Earth. Instead, the president sung the praises of each of the other seven planets in our solar system and repeatedly spoke about what a great job they are doing. The […]

Read More