Category: FEATURED

Devos evil

Devos Deeply Troubled by ‘Media’s Obsession with Educating Children’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy Devos has gone on the offensive after being criticized for attempting to defund the Special Olympics and other childhood education programs earlier this week. Devos cited a ‘disturbing trend’ where media outlets appear very one-sided when reporting about the pros and cons of educating children. “You never read anything […]

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Trump Clarifies, He Meant He Would Protect Auto Manufacturing Shrubbery

LORDSTOWN, OH — As automobile factory closures pile up in middle America, some Trump supporters are questioning the president’s claim on the campaign trail that, “If I’m elected, you won’t lose one plant, you’ll have plants coming into this country, you’re going to have jobs again, you won’t lose one plant, I promise you that.” […]

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White House Intern Drowns In Melania’s Christmas Themed River of Blood

Tragedy struck last night shortly before the unveiling on Melania Trump’s White House Christmas decoration extravaganza, when an East Wing intern drowned in a holiday themed river of blood. Only minutes before initiating the Slovakian midnight winter sacrament, the intern was swept away by a festive red wave of animal parts. Often renowned for her […]

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Romaine Farmers Adding Gun Parts in Effort to Kill With Impunity

CAMARILLO, CA — Romaine farmers throughout the country are feeling the pinch after all shipments of their leafy produce were halted when 32 people fell ill from E.coli poisoning. The FDA immediately issued an alert and recalled all possibly contaminated romaine lettuce after people from 11 different states reported symptoms including nausea and diarrhea. Desperate to maintain […]

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Climate Report: “Destruction of Earth Could Occur at Any Min–“

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new 2,000-page climate report commissioned by the White House was released this week detailing the effects of climate change on the US economy. Unfortunately, the report appeared to be unfinished with the last few pages incinerated by volcanic ash before scientists could complete it. Since these missing pages contained the […]

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Disguised as a Turkey, Trump Pardons Himself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the past weeks, President Trump has become increasingly concerned with the ongoing Mueller investigation, often questioning the loyalty of even his closest advisors. Numerous reports have surfaced alleging the president has been speaking with top aides about the scope of his presidential pardon powers. Insiders claim the president became “obsessed” when […]

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Google Workbots Skip Walkout Despite Constant Harassment

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google’s army of working robots was unfazed by the 20,000 person walkout staged by employees protesting the company’s handling of sexual harassment cases. This marked the first walkout at the Silicon Valley tech giant and surprisingly caused little to no disruption to their worldwide services. “Our robots are designed to be […]

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Stephen Miller Caught Dining on President’s Missing Crayons

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For weeks, an ongoing mystery has been baffling White House staffers. Every few days, President Trump’s crayon box has had to be replaced because countless colors have gone missing. This has reportedly infuriated the President, who has become increasingly suspicious of his staff, and disrupted work on his biographical coloring book. “The […]

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McConnell Bathes in Protestors’ Tears After Kavanaugh Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an apparent victory lap after the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-SC) was photographed bathing in the tears of protestors distressed by the collapse of American democracy. During the protests, many had questioned why McConnell staffers were out collecting the tears of survivors of sexual […]

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FBI Ordered to Only Investigate Kavanaugh’s Truthful Statements

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Details of the White House’s order for the FBI to investigate sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh have revealed limits to the scope of the investigation. The White House has reportedly told the Bureau to ”…only investigate matters which have already been proven to be true.” President Trump also […]

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Trump immigrants

Trump Suggests Immigrants Wear Identifying Badges

WASHINGTON, DC — As immigration continues to be a hotly debated policy issue, president Trump has signaled he may be willing to negotiate with Democrats. Yesterday, after much back and forth, Trump released a statement with his “final solution” to the ongoing talks. The White House has offered a set of guidelines that would allow […]

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