Category: Latest

Buttigieg Promises Soda Machines and Extended Recess if Elected

SOUTH BEND, IN — Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg continues to raise the stakes in one of the most crowded candidate fields in recent history. The barely legal Mayor of South Bend has vowed to put a soda machine in every cafeteria and extend midday recess breaks by up to 15 minutes if elected. While many […]

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Measles comeback tour

Measles, Mumps, & Rubella Comeback Tour a Smashing Success

SEATTLE, WA — After decades in obscurity, measles, mumps, & rubella have reunited and returned to the smashing success they enjoyed in the early half of the 20th century. Jointly known as MMR, their unexpected reunion tour has become a viral sensation, spreading across the globe at record speed. Once known for having when they […]

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Devos evil

Devos Deeply Troubled by ‘Media’s Obsession with Educating Children’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy Devos has gone on the offensive after being criticized for attempting to defund the Special Olympics and other childhood education programs earlier this week. Devos cited a ‘disturbing trend’ where media outlets appear very one-sided when reporting about the pros and cons of educating children. “You never read anything […]

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Barr summary of Mueller report

Barr Pastes Together Ransom Note Summary of Mueller Report

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days after the much anticipated completion of the Mueller report, newly appointed Attorney General  Bill Barr has released a summary of the investigation’s conclusions in the form of a hastily compiled one-page note. Representatives for the Justice Department have assured the public that every letter on the note was cut directly from […]

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Mimes invisible wall

Murderous Horde of Migrant Mimes Thwarted by Invisible Border Wall

EL PASO, TX — As the fight for Trump’s concrete US border wall intensifies, the current invisible wall has continued to quietly repel dozens of criminal pantomines attempting to illegally enter the country. Customs and border surveillance cameras have captured numerous bands of the silent invaders, dressed in striped black and white tights, met by […]

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Russian assassination

Kremlin Overwhelmed by Backlog of Assassination Orders

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — The Russian government division responsible for silencing liabilities and enemies of the state is in the midst of its busiest season to date. The semi-secret Kremlin agency that sends assassins overseas to murder Putin critics is reportedly unable to keep up with the growing list of targets marked for termination. Several employees […]

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French Police Defend Use of Braised Shallots in White Wine Reduction Gas on Protestors

PARIS, FRANCE — As clashes between protestors and French police continue, some are calling to question the suppression tactics being employed as images surface of protestors being beaten by stale baguette and dusted by weaponized pepper mills. During the recent “yellow vest” protests, multiple outlets report the use of extremely brutal tactics, by French standards, […]

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john kelly's balls

John Kelly’s Testicles Hung in White House Entrance as Warning to All Future Chiefs of Staff

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the rumored dismissal of one of the longest tenured and  most stable members of the Trump administration draws near, many in the White House wonder what impact John Kelly’s departure will have on the presidency and who will fill his shoes. As an ominous warning to any future Chiefs of Staff […]

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george kellyanne sex

George and Kellyanne Conway Sex Strike Enters 627th Day

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nearly two years have past since Republican power couple Kellyanne and George Conway began their mutually agreed upon sex strike and sources say there are no signs of an end in sight. Married in 2001, the couple has been at odds with one another since George, a prominent GOP lawyer, first vocalized […]

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George W bush worst

George H.W. Bush Grateful He Lived to See His Son Become Not the Worst President

HOUSTON, TX — As honors and memorials continue to pour in following the death of the 41st president of the United States, many insiders claim George H.W. Bush’s proudest moment came when he was certain that his son, George W. Bush, would no longer be remembered as the worst president in US history. Though it […]

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Trump g20

At G20 Closing Dance, Trump Stands Alone Sipping Diet Coke

BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA — As the G20 Summit draws to a close, the closing dance often generates the most excitement among the leaders of the world’s twenty most powerful nations. With no scheduled meetings, dignitaries are free to mingle and chat without an agenda or time crunch while snacking on an international cultural buffet and […]

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Trump Clarifies, He Meant He Would Protect Auto Manufacturing Shrubbery

LORDSTOWN, OH — As automobile factory closures pile up in middle America, some Trump supporters are questioning the president’s claim on the campaign trail that, “If I’m elected, you won’t lose one plant, you’ll have plants coming into this country, you’re going to have jobs again, you won’t lose one plant, I promise you that.” […]

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Barron immigrant

Defying His Father, Barron Continues Meeting Honduran Friend at Border Fence

SAN YSIDRO, CA — Despite his father’s objections, insiders report Barron Trump has continued his secret meetings with a Honduran asylum seeker at the US/Mexico border. First detailed in a bombshell New York Times story, Barron spent the last two months secretly escaping the White House and traveling to the San Ysidro border crossing to […]

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White House Intern Drowns In Melania’s Christmas Themed River of Blood

Tragedy struck last night shortly before the unveiling on Melania Trump’s White House Christmas decoration extravaganza, when an East Wing intern drowned in a holiday themed river of blood. Only minutes before initiating the Slovakian midnight winter sacrament, the intern was swept away by a festive red wave of animal parts. Often renowned for her […]

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Romaine Farmers Adding Gun Parts in Effort to Kill With Impunity

CAMARILLO, CA — Romaine farmers throughout the country are feeling the pinch after all shipments of their leafy produce were halted when 32 people fell ill from E.coli poisoning. The FDA immediately issued an alert and recalled all possibly contaminated romaine lettuce after people from 11 different states reported symptoms including nausea and diarrhea. Desperate to maintain […]

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Climate Report: “Destruction of Earth Could Occur at Any Min–“

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new 2,000-page climate report commissioned by the White House was released this week detailing the effects of climate change on the US economy. Unfortunately, the report appeared to be unfinished with the last few pages incinerated by volcanic ash before scientists could complete it. Since these missing pages contained the […]

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Disguised as a Turkey, Trump Pardons Himself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the past weeks, President Trump has become increasingly concerned with the ongoing Mueller investigation, often questioning the loyalty of even his closest advisors. Numerous reports have surfaced alleging the president has been speaking with top aides about the scope of his presidential pardon powers. Insiders claim the president became “obsessed” when […]

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