Category: Latest

john kelly's balls

John Kelly’s Testicles Hung in White House Entrance as Warning to All Future Chiefs of Staff

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the rumored dismissal of one of the longest tenured and  most stable members of the Trump administration draws near, many in the White House wonder what impact John Kelly’s departure will have on the presidency and who will fill his shoes. As an ominous warning to any future Chiefs of Staff […]

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george kellyanne sex

George and Kellyanne Conway Sex Strike Enters 627th Day

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nearly two years have past since Republican power couple Kellyanne and George Conway began their mutually agreed upon sex strike and sources say there are no signs of an end in sight. Married in 2001, the couple has been at odds with one another since George, a prominent GOP lawyer, first vocalized […]

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George W bush worst

George H.W. Bush Grateful He Lived to See His Son Become Not the Worst President

HOUSTON, TX — As honors and memorials continue to pour in following the death of the 41st president of the United States, many insiders claim George H.W. Bush’s proudest moment came when he was certain that his son, George W. Bush, would no longer be remembered as the worst president in US history. Though it […]

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Trump g20

At G20 Closing Dance, Trump Stands Alone Sipping Diet Coke

BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA — As the G20 Summit draws to a close, the closing dance often generates the most excitement among the leaders of the world’s twenty most powerful nations. With no scheduled meetings, dignitaries are free to mingle and chat without an agenda or time crunch while snacking on an international cultural buffet and […]

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Trump Clarifies, He Meant He Would Protect Auto Manufacturing Shrubbery

LORDSTOWN, OH — As automobile factory closures pile up in middle America, some Trump supporters are questioning the president’s claim on the campaign trail that, “If I’m elected, you won’t lose one plant, you’ll have plants coming into this country, you’re going to have jobs again, you won’t lose one plant, I promise you that.” […]

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Barron immigrant

Defying His Father, Barron Continues Meeting Honduran Friend at Border Fence

SAN YSIDRO, CA — Despite his father’s objections, insiders report Barron Trump has continued his secret meetings with a Honduran asylum seeker at the US/Mexico border. First detailed in a bombshell New York Times story, Barron spent the last two months secretly escaping the White House and traveling to the San Ysidro border crossing to […]

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White House Intern Drowns In Melania’s Christmas Themed River of Blood

Tragedy struck last night shortly before the unveiling on Melania Trump’s White House Christmas decoration extravaganza, when an East Wing intern drowned in a holiday themed river of blood. Only minutes before initiating the Slovakian midnight winter sacrament, the intern was swept away by a festive red wave of animal parts. Often renowned for her […]

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Romaine Farmers Adding Gun Parts in Effort to Kill With Impunity

CAMARILLO, CA — Romaine farmers throughout the country are feeling the pinch after all shipments of their leafy produce were halted when 32 people fell ill from E.coli poisoning. The FDA immediately issued an alert and recalled all possibly contaminated romaine lettuce after people from 11 different states reported symptoms including nausea and diarrhea. Desperate to maintain […]

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Climate Report: “Destruction of Earth Could Occur at Any Min–“

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new 2,000-page climate report commissioned by the White House was released this week detailing the effects of climate change on the US economy. Unfortunately, the report appeared to be unfinished with the last few pages incinerated by volcanic ash before scientists could complete it. Since these missing pages contained the […]

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Disguised as a Turkey, Trump Pardons Himself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the past weeks, President Trump has become increasingly concerned with the ongoing Mueller investigation, often questioning the loyalty of even his closest advisors. Numerous reports have surfaced alleging the president has been speaking with top aides about the scope of his presidential pardon powers. Insiders claim the president became “obsessed” when […]

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Post-Apocalyptic Films Continue Losing Viewers to Evening News

LOS ANGELES, CA – It has been another tough season for Hollywood after a tumultuous year of Harvey Weinstein and “Death of a Nation“, but now the seemingly scandal-proof genre of post-apocalyptic blockbusters is feeling the squeeze. Once considered a safe haven for escapism, ‘end-of-the-world’ films have become all too real for many viewers. With […]

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Migrant Caravan of Intellectuals Continue Push North to Canada

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – As the migrant caravan of Central American refugees has been grabbing headlines, a similar but much less publicized group of American migrants has quietly been making headway towards the Canadian border. The group, primarily made up of scientists, medical professionals, Constitutional lawyers, economists, and teachers, has made its way  to within a […]

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Saudis Claim Bloody Wood Chipper Came with the House

ISTANBUL, TURKEY — As questions regarding the fate of international journalist Jamal Khashoggi mount, Saudi Arabia continues to deny any involvement in his disappearance. Mr. Khashoggi, who has been critical of the Saudi government, was last seen entering to Saudi Consulate in Istanbul on October 2nd to apply for a marriage license, but surveillance footage […]

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