Category: Politics

wall of ignorance

Construction Begins on Wall of Ignorance Surrounding Republican Party

WASHINGTON, DC — After much heated debate, construction has finally begun on an impenetrable wall of ignorance that will soon enshroud the Republican party. Once complete, party members say they will be safe from ideas of liberty, civil rights, social justice, and truth. Although the penetration of such concepts have slowed to a mere trickle […]

Read More
Ovaries in a jar

Alabama Votes to Have Men Hold onto Ovaries Until Ready For Use

MOBILE, AL — As abortion moves to the forefront of the political battlefield, Alabama has elected to literally remove the responsibility of child bearing from women. In a party line vote, the Republican held state senate approved a law that would assign a male caretaker to all functioning female ovaries. That man would presumably keep […]

Read More
Obama's economy

Obama Uncertain How Much Longer He Can Prop Up Economy

WASHINGTON, DC — The job numbers are in and former president Obama’s economy remains impressive. As economic trends from his administration continue their upward movement, the ex-president has admitted he may not be able to sustain the momentum much longer. While President Trump has spent his first two years in office making every attempt to […]

Read More
Barr cheeseburger

Report Reveals Barr’s Loyalty Bought with Backchannel Cheeseburger Payments

WASHINGTON, DC — As questions swirl about what would cause a longtime Washington insider like Bill Barr to sacrifice his reputation for the embattled president, new details are emerging about secret White House meetings between the two men over the past 3-months. A startling new report reveals a sordid tale of a desperate president trying […]

Read More
2020 presidential hopefuls

Mob of Presidential Hopefuls Descend on Home of Undecided New Hampshire Couple

CONCORD, NH — As the race for the presidency heats up, hundreds of Democratic presidential hopefuls jammed into the home of an undecided elderly couple for a marathon 19-hour town hall style debate. What started as a simple meet-and-greet for the two independent voters, soon snowballed into a caravan of campaign managers dumping busloads of […]

Read More
Putin and Kim

Putin and Kim Meet to Make Fun of the Length of Trump’s Term

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian president Vladimir Putin met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un this week to poke fun at President Trump’s very short term in office. Both leaders have held their posts for 19 and 8 years respectively, and show no signs of relinquishing power in the near future. President Trump has made no […]

Read More
Devin Nunes yacht prostitute cocaine

Devin Nunes Sues His Feelings for Hurting Him

WASHINGTON, DC — In an escalation of his legal feud with critics, Rep. Devin Nunes(R-CA) filed a lawsuit against his own feelings for “aggressively hurting him”. In recent weeks, Rep. Nunes has taken a bold stand against all entities, small and large, that made him feel bad about himself. From conspiring media companies to mean […]

Read More
Trump no cabinet

Cabinet Vacancies Soar as Availability of Unskilled Workers Plummet

WASHINGTON, DC — In an ironic twist of fate, President Trump’s own immigration policy is leading to mass vacancies in his administration. After over two years in office, over 40% of the administration’s key leadership positions remain unfilled. Historically, immigrant laborers have been used to fill positions no American will take, but because of his […]

Read More
Kirstjen Nielsen in cage

Kirstjen Nielsen Released Back into the Wild

YELLOWSTONE, WY — Embattled Department of Homeland Security head Kirstjen Nielsen was spared the red leash and released into Yellowstone National Park today. After a tumultuous two years as the department head, White House officials flew her inside her travel crate, to the Wyoming sanctuary where officials say there is a slight chance she will […]

Read More

Buttigieg Promises Soda Machines and Extended Recess if Elected

SOUTH BEND, IN — Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg continues to raise the stakes in one of the most crowded candidate fields in recent history. The barely legal Mayor of South Bend has vowed to put a soda machine in every cafeteria and extend midday recess breaks by up to 15 minutes if elected. While many […]

Read More
Devos evil

Devos Deeply Troubled by ‘Media’s Obsession with Educating Children’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy Devos has gone on the offensive after being criticized for attempting to defund the Special Olympics and other childhood education programs earlier this week. Devos cited a ‘disturbing trend’ where media outlets appear very one-sided when reporting about the pros and cons of educating children. “You never read anything […]

Read More
Barr summary of Mueller report

Barr Pastes Together Ransom Note Summary of Mueller Report

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days after the much anticipated completion of the Mueller report, newly appointed Attorney General  Bill Barr has released a summary of the investigation’s conclusions in the form of a hastily compiled one-page note. Representatives for the Justice Department have assured the public that every letter on the note was cut directly from […]

Read More
Mimes invisible wall

Murderous Horde of Migrant Mimes Thwarted by Invisible Border Wall

EL PASO, TX — As the fight for Trump’s concrete US border wall intensifies, the current invisible wall has continued to quietly repel dozens of criminal pantomines attempting to illegally enter the country. Customs and border surveillance cameras have captured numerous bands of the silent invaders, dressed in striped black and white tights, met by […]

Read More
george kellyanne sex

George and Kellyanne Conway Sex Strike Enters 627th Day

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nearly two years have past since Republican power couple Kellyanne and George Conway began their mutually agreed upon sex strike and sources say there are no signs of an end in sight. Married in 2001, the couple has been at odds with one another since George, a prominent GOP lawyer, first vocalized […]

Read More
George W bush worst

George H.W. Bush Grateful He Lived to See His Son Become Not the Worst President

HOUSTON, TX — As honors and memorials continue to pour in following the death of the 41st president of the United States, many insiders claim George H.W. Bush’s proudest moment came when he was certain that his son, George W. Bush, would no longer be remembered as the worst president in US history. Though it […]

Read More

Trump Clarifies, He Meant He Would Protect Auto Manufacturing Shrubbery

LORDSTOWN, OH — As automobile factory closures pile up in middle America, some Trump supporters are questioning the president’s claim on the campaign trail that, “If I’m elected, you won’t lose one plant, you’ll have plants coming into this country, you’re going to have jobs again, you won’t lose one plant, I promise you that.” […]

Read More

Disguised as a Turkey, Trump Pardons Himself

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the past weeks, President Trump has become increasingly concerned with the ongoing Mueller investigation, often questioning the loyalty of even his closest advisors. Numerous reports have surfaced alleging the president has been speaking with top aides about the scope of his presidential pardon powers. Insiders claim the president became “obsessed” when […]

Read More