Category: Politics

Trump parade

Fourth of July Celebration to Feature Tanks Rolling Over Protesters

WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump has demanded that this years Fourth of July celebration include military tanks crushing protestors who stand in their path. What started as a “non-partisan” parade to celebrate America, has quickly turned into a day to pay tribute to a president with sagging approval ratings. Many in Washington were opposed to […]

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new press secretary

New Press Secretary Eager to Start Not Doing Her Job

WASHINGTON, DC — Today, newly appointed White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham, said she is excited to fill the empty press podium left by outgoing secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Sanders, who did not held a formal press briefing in her final 100 days in office, said she expects Grisham to do an excellent job doing […]

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Mueller second report

Mueller Releases 900-Page Report Detailing How Disappointing His Testimony Will Be

WASHINGTON, DC — In the wake of news that Robert Mueller will be testifying before Congress, the Special Counsel has released a 900-page report meant to manage the expectations of those eager to see the President impeached. A man of few words, Mueller once again opted to write a long-winded report, that only Rep. Justin […]

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Trump prejudice

Trump Condemns Democrats’ Prejudice Towards Prejudice

ORLANDO, FL — President Trump kicked off his 2020 re-election campaign this week with many of the same messages he used in 2016. In fact, entire sections of his Orlando speech appeared to be pulled directly from campaign speeches four years ago. But the centerpiece of his rambling, conspiracy theory ridden, monologue was Democrats intolerance […]

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ghost of democracy

Ghost of Democracy Haunting Elevator in Senate Office Building

WASHINGTON, DC — What started as rumors whispered between interns in the Russell Senate Office Building, have turned into a full on haunting after repeated ghost sightings in the Senate elevator. Several insiders claim staffers are on edge after numerous reports of a ghostly, corpse-like figure floating through the halls of the historic government building. […]

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wall of ignorance

Construction Begins on Wall of Ignorance Surrounding Republican Party

WASHINGTON, DC — After much heated debate, construction has finally begun on an impenetrable wall of ignorance that will soon enshroud the Republican party. Once complete, party members say they will be safe from ideas of liberty, civil rights, social justice, and truth. Although the penetration of such concepts have slowed to a mere trickle […]

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Ovaries in a jar

Alabama Votes to Have Men Hold onto Ovaries Until Ready For Use

MOBILE, AL — As abortion moves to the forefront of the political battlefield, Alabama has elected to literally remove the responsibility of child bearing from women. In a party line vote, the Republican held state senate approved a law that would assign a male caretaker to all functioning female ovaries. That man would presumably keep […]

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Obama's economy

Obama Uncertain How Much Longer He Can Prop Up Economy

WASHINGTON, DC — The job numbers are in and former president Obama’s economy remains impressive. As economic trends from his administration continue their upward movement, the ex-president has admitted he may not be able to sustain the momentum much longer. While President Trump has spent his first two years in office making every attempt to […]

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Barr cheeseburger

Report Reveals Barr’s Loyalty Bought with Backchannel Cheeseburger Payments

WASHINGTON, DC — As questions swirl about what would cause a longtime Washington insider like Bill Barr to sacrifice his reputation for the embattled president, new details are emerging about secret White House meetings between the two men over the past 3-months. A startling new report reveals a sordid tale of a desperate president trying […]

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2020 presidential hopefuls

Mob of Presidential Hopefuls Descend on Home of Undecided New Hampshire Couple

CONCORD, NH — As the race for the presidency heats up, hundreds of Democratic presidential hopefuls jammed into the home of an undecided elderly couple for a marathon 19-hour town hall style debate. What started as a simple meet-and-greet for the two independent voters, soon snowballed into a caravan of campaign managers dumping busloads of […]

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Putin and Kim

Putin and Kim Meet to Make Fun of the Length of Trump’s Term

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian president Vladimir Putin met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un this week to poke fun at President Trump’s very short term in office. Both leaders have held their posts for 19 and 8 years respectively, and show no signs of relinquishing power in the near future. President Trump has made no […]

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Devin Nunes yacht prostitute cocaine

Devin Nunes Sues His Feelings for Hurting Him

WASHINGTON, DC — In an escalation of his legal feud with critics, Rep. Devin Nunes(R-CA) filed a lawsuit against his own feelings for “aggressively hurting him”. In recent weeks, Rep. Nunes has taken a bold stand against all entities, small and large, that made him feel bad about himself. From conspiring media companies to mean […]

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Trump no cabinet

Cabinet Vacancies Soar as Availability of Unskilled Workers Plummet

WASHINGTON, DC — In an ironic twist of fate, President Trump’s own immigration policy is leading to mass vacancies in his administration. After over two years in office, over 40% of the administration’s key leadership positions remain unfilled. Historically, immigrant laborers have been used to fill positions no American will take, but because of his […]

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Kirstjen Nielsen in cage

Kirstjen Nielsen Released Back into the Wild

YELLOWSTONE, WY — Embattled Department of Homeland Security head Kirstjen Nielsen was spared the red leash and released into Yellowstone National Park today. After a tumultuous two years as the department head, White House officials flew her inside her travel crate, to the Wyoming sanctuary where officials say there is a slight chance she will […]

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Buttigieg Promises Soda Machines and Extended Recess if Elected

SOUTH BEND, IN — Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg continues to raise the stakes in one of the most crowded candidate fields in recent history. The barely legal Mayor of South Bend has vowed to put a soda machine in every cafeteria and extend midday recess breaks by up to 15 minutes if elected. While many […]

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Devos evil

Devos Deeply Troubled by ‘Media’s Obsession with Educating Children’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy Devos has gone on the offensive after being criticized for attempting to defund the Special Olympics and other childhood education programs earlier this week. Devos cited a ‘disturbing trend’ where media outlets appear very one-sided when reporting about the pros and cons of educating children. “You never read anything […]

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Barr summary of Mueller report

Barr Pastes Together Ransom Note Summary of Mueller Report

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days after the much anticipated completion of the Mueller report, newly appointed Attorney General¬† Bill Barr has released a summary of the investigation’s conclusions in the form of a hastily compiled one-page note. Representatives for the Justice Department have assured the public that every letter on the note was cut directly from […]

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Mimes invisible wall

Murderous Horde of Migrant Mimes Thwarted by Invisible Border Wall

EL PASO, TX — As the fight for Trump’s concrete US border wall intensifies, the current invisible wall has continued to quietly repel dozens of criminal pantomines attempting to illegally enter the country. Customs and border surveillance cameras have captured numerous bands of the silent invaders, dressed in striped black and white tights, met by […]

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