CAMARILLO, CA — Romaine farmers throughout the country are feeling the pinch after all shipments of their leafy produce were halted when 32 people fell ill from E.coli poisoning. The FDA immediately issued an alert and recalled all possibly contaminated romaine lettuce after people from 11 different states reported symptoms including nausea and diarrhea. Desperate to maintain […]
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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google’s army of working robots was unfazed by the 20,000 person walkout staged by employees protesting the company’s handling of sexual harassment cases. This marked the first walkout at the Silicon Valley tech giant and surprisingly caused little to no disruption to their worldwide services. “Our robots are designed to be […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump yesterday ordered two Army combat divisions to take and hold the five largest umbrella factories in the country. Although this marks the first time a sitting US president has sent troops to a privately held domestic commercial operation, few were surprised by the president’s impulsive maneuver. Insiders say the president […]
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A series of healthcare policies and a leaked memo have revealed the Trump administrations plan to end sex for pleasure by women. While the administration encourages the harassment and/or assault of women and the use of erectile medications, the question arises: who will they harass and have old man sex with? The White House is […]
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After days of anticipation, Apple finally revealed its latest mobile device, the iLurk. This new “data acquisition device” comes on the heels of sagging sales for the iPhone 8 and appears almost exactly the same to the untrained observer. But on the inside is a complex sensor array that is able to observe the user […]
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Amid public outcry, Amazon was forced to remove a supremacist Halloween costume from their online store. Sales of the item had been lagging because of confusion over the contents of the package. The 5-piece set came with the modern Nazi uniform of khaki pleated pants, a red MAGA hat, a white collared shirt, a backyard […]
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Members of Trumps Cabinet Charter SpaceX Flight to Privately Deal with Travel Scandal After revelations that five members of Trumps cabinet had been using millions of taxpayer dollars to travel to private vacation destinations, White House officials have brought up major concerns about leaks. Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke was the latest to join the growing […]
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Social Media Giant Plans to Crack Down on “Fake News” In light of recent revelations that Russian operatives used Facebook advertising to disseminate false information about candidate Hillary Clinton, Facebook has decided to begin monitoring “fake news”. Although many Trump supporters themselves call this move “fake news”, several have already found themselves banned for 24 […]
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Desperate Airline Struggles to Keep Up with Demand In a surprise move, Ryanair announced it would be upgrading first class passengers to the pilot’s chair in an effort to prevent further cancellations. This marks the first time an airline has allowed passengers to pilot an aircraft and only the second time passengers have refused upgrades. […]
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