WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the past weeks, President Trump has become increasingly concerned with the ongoing Mueller investigation, often questioning the loyalty of even his closest advisors. Numerous reports have surfaced alleging the president has been speaking with top aides about the scope of his presidential pardon powers.
Insiders claim the president became “obsessed” when he learned about the annual turkey pardoning ceremony held every Thanksgiving on the White House lawn. “It was really all he talked about,” said one staffer, “Every day with: ‘So I just sign a paper and the turkey is free for the rest of it’s life?’, ‘What if it commits more crimes next Thanksgiving?’, ‘Can we kill the ones Obama pardoned?'”
Historically, the pardoning of a turkey has been considered a humorous gag with no real world significance, until this year.
Surprising no one, the President decided to take advantage of his executive power by dressing up as a Thanksgiving turkey and pardoning himself from any future Mueller indictments.
“He essentially put on a feather coat, applied an extra heavy coat of bronzer, and painted his neck fat red.” said one reporter.
Although few were fooled by the presidents costume, none of his staff or press members mentioned the obvious ruse for fear of reprisal and/or loss of their ‘hard pass‘. Most simply clapped and passed around a microphone to publicly praise the president/turkey and thank him/it for his/it’s service to the country.
The logistical complexity of a self-pardoning required the president have 6 wardrobe changes throughout the ceremony.
Said one White House reporter, “Besides Eric, no one was impressed by a 300-pound roasted turkey running on and off the stage every two minutes followed by the president coming up with excuses for why he was out of breath and gone whenever the turkey was around. Everyone else just kinda shook their heads and went about their day.”
“It was embarrassing to see the leader of the free world clucking around and flapping his arms like he was fooling anyone,” said microphone intern Sarah Brenald, “But then again, no more so than nearly every other day of the year.”
Added another member of the press corps, “In any other administration this would be considered totally bizarre, but with this one, it’s just a Thursday.”
Not all were so nonchalant about the charade, “He was just sitting on a table of harvest vegetables in that ridiculous outfit, convinced that everyone was clueless,” said Office of Government Ethics director Michelle Warner, “This president believes that just because he claims that that was a turkey then suddenly it’s a turkey. The American people will not stand for this blatant misrepresentation of the truth.”
Following the pardoning ceremony Trump’s approval rating jumped two percentage points.