EPA Issues Arrest Warrant for Captain Planet

In a surprising break from long held agency protocol, EPA head Scott Pruitt issued an arrest warrant for 90’s eco-hero Captain Planet. Although the circumstances surrounding the warrant have yet to be disclosed, Pruitt publicly declared Planet a “threat to American and current EPA policy.”

Planet helmed a wildly popular children’s show in the 90’s called “Captain Planet and the Planeteers”, but since its cancellation in 1996, his whereabouts have been relatively unknown. He resurfaced briefly in the early 2000’s for a few ill-fated attempts to revitalize his career, but his sparkle has dimmed from the growing lack of eco-awareness.

Pruitt has received harsh criticism from environmentalists and people living on Earth, for reversing all ecologically friendly government regulations. Most recently he stated he would repeal Obama’s Clean Power Plan, cut tax breaks for solar and wind power, and deregulate the coal industry.

“Currently, we are only seeking Mr. Planet for questioning,” Pruitt announced in the press briefing, “We are also interested in locating three of the Planeteers.”

The Planeteers were an international cast of five children that were able to join their rings to perform “acts of eco-terrorism” as Pruitt put it. “We are particularly interested in Kwame, Gi, and Ma-Ti who we hope to have extradited from Africa, South Asia, and Latin American respectively.”

Pruitt says the EPA’s greatest concern is that they are no longer children, yet they still harness the power of earth, wind, fire, water, and heart. “Mr. Planet is the primary focus of our inquiry, since he is capable of magnifying their powers, but we believe each of them is still quite dangerous on their own.”

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