WASHINGTON, D.C. — Details of the White House’s order for the FBI to investigate sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh have revealed limits to the scope of the investigation. The White House has reportedly told the Bureau to ”…only investigate matters which have already been proven to be true.”
President Trump also issued standing orders for any special agent to “…cover their ears and hum” if they hear anything that could prove that Judge Kavanaugh lied under oath before the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Many Democrats, women’s rights activists, and humans still in possession of their souls, have been infuriated by the Republican’s unwillingness to dig deeper into sexual assault accusations levied against the beer-drinking Judge by three separate women. Only after a viral elevator castigation did outgoing Senator Jeff Flake (R-AZ) recommend an investigation into the allegations.
The two most disputed subjects of the investigation include Kavanaugh’s drinking habits and his sexual activity at a young age, both of which potentially portray vastly different personas.
Although Kavanaugh has characterized himself as a hard-working virgin who had an occasional beer, his classmates and yearbook entries painted him as a socially active, gang rapist, who regularly drank alcohol through his anus.
“There is a big difference between sipping a beer and inserting PVC piping in your rectum for the purposes of alcohol consumption,” argued Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI).
Many of the inconsistencies stem from disparate definitions of words like “Boof”, “Devil’s Triangle”, and “Rape”.
While Judge Kavanaugh has claimed “rape” is a drinking game, many scholars argue it is frequently used with an entirely different meaning. Kavanaugh also stated that “Judge, have you boofed yet?” was slangily asking his friend Mark Judge if he had farted yet. Because many teenage boys do not begin farting until their mid-20’s.