GOP Struggling to Find Sexual Predators to Fill November Ballots

Republican strategists have been facing increased difficulties as they attempt to find under qualified sexual predators to fill vacancies in elections across the country. This comes as Representative Jim Knoblach (R-MN)  becomes the latest, in a string of Republican sexual predators, to abandon his bid for re-election after allegations of sexual misconduct were raised. By his daughter.

Although the ongoing allegations against Supreme Court hopeful Brett Cavanaugh have become the most prominent accusations, they are far from outliers. Alabama child molester, Roy Moore, only narrowly lost a Senate seat after nine different women accused him of pedophilia. Fearing they may alienate their base of rapists and sex offenders, many Republicans are embracing sexual predators and encouraging them to run for office.

“If you can rape multiple twelve-year-olds and still only lose by a couple hundred votes, that’s encouraging,” believes Republican strategist Mark Durham. “We’ve managed to lower the bar to a point where a little groping or light rape has become quiet acceptable and even encouraged by many of our constituents.”

The extent of sexual misconduct is so widespread in the Republican party that many, including the president, claim bringing up old allegations is unfair.

“In my day they called it ‘playing hard to get’, now everyone gets in a fuss and calls it sex rape.” argued Senator Orrin Hatch(R-UT), “What rich, white, entitled young man hasn’t done a little ‘raping’ in his day?” he added using air quotes. “They didn’t call me ‘Scorin’ Snatch’ back in prep school because I was in the law library every weekend.” he added with more air quotes.

It remains to be seen if Republicans will choose to leave the ballots open or normalize rape.

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