Kirstjen Nielsen Released Back into the Wild

Kirstjen Nielsen in cage

YELLOWSTONE, WY — Embattled Department of Homeland Security head Kirstjen Nielsen was spared the red leash and released into Yellowstone National Park today. After a tumultuous two years as the department head, White House officials flew her inside her travel crate, to the Wyoming sanctuary where officials say there is a slight chance she will be able to reunite with her family.

At first cautious when park rangers opened the cage door, Nielsen warily crawled into an open meadow. Onlookers say she appeared uncertain as to whether it was some sort of trap or if she was truly free.

“She kept looking over her shoulder,” said head Ranger Marvin Nichols, “I think she felt very insecure because the President hadn’t made the trip.”

RELATED: John Kelly’s Testicles Hung in White House Entrance as Warning to All Future Chiefs of Staff

At one point, she cozied up to a plump, tanned observer some felt resembled her former boss, before rangers shooed her back into the forest.

The National Park Service issued a memo asking park visitors to avoid touching or feeding Nielsen until she has settled back in to her new home. Regardless, several tourists could not resist taking selfies with the once respected cabinet member who sacrificed her morality and reputation for the hardline president.

Nielsen spent her time at DHS overseeing several controversial initiatives including tear gassing immigrants, separating families at the border, and placing children in cages then losing them. Despite this, many on the right felt she was too soft on the “animals” crossing the border and believed it was only a matter of time before she was put down.

RELATED: Murderous Horde of Migrant Mimes Thwarted by Invisible Border Wall

“Whenever I visited the kennel where the President keeps his cabinet members, she always seemed like the least ferocious,” commented Sen. Lindsay Graham(R-SC), “We got Mnuchin gnawing on a human hand, Devos banging her head against the wall until it’s bloody, and then Kirstjen’s there just looking at me like ‘set me free’.”

While history will no doubt agree that she was the cruelest, most inhuman DHS head to date, only time will tell if she will soon be overshadowed by her replacement.

 

Leave a Reply