McConnell Bathes in Protestors’ Tears After Kavanaugh Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an apparent victory lap after the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-SC) was photographed bathing in the tears of protestors distressed by the collapse of American democracy.

During the protests, many had questioned why McConnell staffers were out collecting the tears of survivors of sexual assault and others vehemently opposed to another sexual predator sitting in the country’s highest court. Others wondered why McConnell invites photographers into his bathroom while he bathes.

McConnell has previously claimed that the salt from tears is good for retaining moisture in his reptilian skin after we was caught licking tears off the face of an unattended baby. When the parents intervened, McConnell went back into his protective armor shell and did not come back out until the Senate reconvened four weeks later.

“Contrary to the lies being spread by the Democrats, I don’t enjoy human suffering. I just enjoy bathing in the byproduct of human suffering,” claimed McConnell when reached for comment.

Earlier this week, McConnell called the protestors an angry mob and claimed the Republicans did not “…attack (Obama’s SC nominee) Merrick Garland’s background and try to destroy him.” Republican’s tried, but were unable to find anything in Garland’s background that would destroy him so they instead refused to vote on his appointment for 400 days.



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