CAMARILLO, CA — Romaine farmers throughout the country are feeling the pinch after all shipments of their leafy produce were halted when 32 people fell ill from E.coli poisoning. The FDA immediately issued an alert and recalled all possibly contaminated romaine lettuce after people from 11 different states reported symptoms including nausea and diarrhea.
Desperate to maintain sales of their seasonal goods, produce farmers have begun disguising the lettuce as assault rifles by adding features such as triggers and bump stocks to the outside of the vegetables. Romaine farmers believe this slight adjustment will allow their lettuce to continue killing with impunity.
“Lettuce has been vilified by the media,” said California romaine farmer Winslow Jones, “We realized we only needed to rebrand in order to kill thousands with little or no interruption to our supply chain.”
Jones noted that guns kill more people in a day than romaine has killed since the Lettuce Wars of 1789, yet no one stood up for romaine before it was pulled from every grocer in the country.
“If they are able to successfully weaponize their lettuce, then yes, they will be protected under the 2nd amendment,” commented NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch, “We would embrace and protect death lettuce with every politician we own.”
“It just ain’t fair that a few people get cramps and our entire industry immediately gets shut down,” Jones added, “But guns can cover the floor of an elementary school with blood with no repercussions.”
The new “Lettuce Pray” produce guns will be sold at sporting goods stores throughout the country. Farmers admit that sifting through shotguns to make a caesar salad might take some getting used to, but it was the only way to get this years fresh harvest to market.
Although not recommended for home protection, produce guns will have the ability to slowly kill through E.coli poisoning.