Sessions Suggests “Precogs” May Be the Answer to School Shootings

After yet another mass shooting that left 17 people dead in a Florida high school, GOP leaders are scrambling for solutions to this ongoing crisis.

With more questions that answers, some Republican leaders believe that telepaths with the ability to predict gun violence may offer the best solution to the problem.

“We’ve got to confront the problem, there’s no doubt about it,” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions, “It cannot be denied that something dangerous and unhealthy is happening our country.” But he also poignantly noted that “we cannot arrest everybody,” adding that perhaps better law enforcement was necessary to curb the violence.

“If we were able to find 2 or 3 psychic mutant ‘precogs’ that could channel their thoughts through a pool of gelatinous amnionic fluid, we might be able to give law enforcement the edge they need in the war on gun violence,” Sessions continued.

While the idea may seem like something out of a sci-fi movie, Republican scientists argue it is not far from becoming reality.

“Pre crime is an idea we have been working on since 2002,” Honorary scientist and EPA head Scott Pruitt stated, “The concept involves putting different colored marbles into a machine thingy that rolls through a bunch of tubes and pops out with the name of potential gunmen printed on them.”

Because there is no way to stop mass shooters from acquiring large quantities of guns and ammunition, many believe that the “precog” program might be the only plausible tool in preventing guns from turning on innocent civilians.

“Although we are still 2 or 3 precogs away from rolling this program out,” Sessions continued, “we are confident that we can invariably put an end to mass shootings once these mutants materialize.”