Stephen Miller Caught Dining on President’s Missing Crayons

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For weeks, an ongoing mystery has been baffling White House staffers. Every few days, President Trump’s crayon box has had to be replaced because countless colors have gone missing.

This has reportedly infuriated the President, who has become increasingly suspicious of his staff, and disrupted work on his biographical coloring book.

“The crayons have been our number one priority since the start of the month,” noted one source, during a month which included a Hurricane that has left thousands homeless, women losing their right to control their bodies, an explosive human rights crisis with Saudi Arabia, and the ever present threat of nuclear war from North Korea.

Senior advisor Stephen Miller was first suspected when he arrived at a child separation meeting with “a waxy green substance on his right cheek” according to one intern. These suspicions were compounded when custodial crews reported rainbow colored skid marks in the far-right neo Nazi’s West Wing toilet.

Instead of confronting Miller, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly monitored his private office with a hidden camera. Sure enough, after returning from a meeting with the Proud Boys, Miller locked his door, closed the curtains, tied a napkin around his neck, and began devouring a box of crayons he had hidden in a back drawer.

Interestingly, although his favorite color is white, Miller was seen eating around them because he later claimed, “The other colors don’t deserve to be in the same box as the white one.”

This news comes on the heels of a recent statement by his third grade teacher that Miller ate glue as a child.

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