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Politics
Trump Mental Health Concerns Grow After Displaying Penis Size Comparison Chart of Perceived Enemies in Presser
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Growing concerns about President Trump's mental state intensified Thursday after he interrupted a White House press conference to unveil a large chart...
Trump Awards Himself Presidential Purple Hand Medal For Injuries Sustained During Meet and Greets
WASHINGTON, DC — In celebration of Memorial Day, President Trump awarded himself the newly created Purple Hand medal Monday during a lavish ceremony honoring Americans...
Trump Releases “True Patriot” Commemorative Coin Featuring Jan. 6th Rioter Defecating on American Flag
WASHINGTON, DC — Calling it “a beautiful tribute to the forgotten heroes of January 6th,” President Trump on Monday unveiled a new limited-edition commemorative coin...
REPORT: Kash Patel Wanted FBI Tactical Gear to Include Beer Helmets
WASHINGTON, DC — Federal investigators confirmed Tuesday that Kash Patel spent several weeks aggressively lobbying for updated FBI tactical gear to include “standard-issue beer helmets...
Entertainment
Technology
Peter Thiel Unveils New Argentine Volcano Fortress Designed to Withstand Market Crashes, Solar Flares, and Democracy
PATAGONIA, ARGENTINA — Tech billionaire Peter Thiel this week unveiled plans for what he described as a “modestly precautionary” self-sustaining fortress built inside an active...
Users Report Trump Phone Remains in Sleep Mode For 22 Hours a Day
TAMPA, FL — Customers across the country are expressing outrage after discovering...
SPORTS
Trump Moves NBA Finals to White House Court So He Doesn’t Have to Leave Couch
WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump announced Thursday that the NBA Finals would be immediately relocated to a newly painted basketball...
Reflecting Pool Converted Into Trump-Branded Pickleball Complex
WASHINGTON, DC — Tourists arriving at the National Mall this week were met with the surreal sight of the Lincoln...
Trump Moves NBA Finals to White House Court So He Doesn’t Have to Leave Couch
WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump announced Thursday that the NBA Finals would be immediately relocated to a newly painted basketball court on the grounds of...
Reflecting Pool Converted Into Trump-Branded Pickleball Complex
WASHINGTON, DC — Tourists arriving at the National Mall this week were met with the surreal sight of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool drained, painted...
NBA Announces Knicks Games Will Now Carry Graphic Content Warnings
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Monday that the remainder of New York Knicks playoff broadcasts will begin with a brief graphic content warning...
Tiger Woods Spotted Preparing for Comeback at Drunk Driving Range
JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Golf fans were stunned this week after Tiger Woods was reportedly seen fine-tuning his game at what witnesses described as a...
Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook
READING, PA — Three days after asking a coworker if Duke was “one of the better high school teams,” local marketing associate Brian Kelleher has...
