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Politics
Corporate Donors Warn Mamdani Sweep Could Set Dangerous Precedent of Government Helping People
NEW YORK, NY — Following a string of victories by candidates aligned with Mayor Zohran Mamdani's platform, corporate donors across the country issued an urgent...
White House Unveils New Plan to Refill Reflecting Pool with More Loyal Water
WASHINGTON, DC — Following reports that the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool has once again become overrun with algae and peeling paint, President Trump unveiled an...
RFK Jr. Spotted Molting in Reflecting Pool Swamp
WASHINGTON, DC — Tourists visiting the National Mall were stunned Tuesday after reports emerged that Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was...
RFK Jr. Defends Snacking on Buckets of Screwworms During CDC Briefing
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. sparked confusion, concern, and several calls to building maintenance Monday after arriving at...
Entertainment
Technology
SpaceX IPO Earns Musk Earns Title of Poorest Excuse for a Human Being
AUSTIN, TX — Following the wildly successful IPO of SpaceX, which pushed his net worth beyond every other human being on Earth, Elon Musk celebrated...
Peter Thiel Unveils New Argentine Volcano Fortress Designed to Withstand Market Crashes, Solar Flares, and Democracy
PATAGONIA, ARGENTINA — Tech billionaire Peter Thiel this week unveiled plans for...
SPORTS
FIFA Shocked to Learn International Fans Unwilling to Spend $4,000 to Be Harassed for Their Papers
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND — FIFA officials expressed confusion and disappointment this week after discovering that many international soccer fans were reluctant...
Trump Moves NBA Finals to White House Court So He Doesn’t Have to Leave Couch
WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump announced Thursday that the NBA Finals would be immediately relocated to a newly painted basketball...
FIFA Shocked to Learn International Fans Unwilling to Spend $4,000 to Be Harassed for Their Papers
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND — FIFA officials expressed confusion and disappointment this week after discovering that many international soccer fans were reluctant to spend thousands of dollars...
Trump Moves NBA Finals to White House Court So He Doesn’t Have to Leave Couch
WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump announced Thursday that the NBA Finals would be immediately relocated to a newly painted basketball court on the grounds of...
Reflecting Pool Converted Into Trump-Branded Pickleball Complex
WASHINGTON, DC — Tourists arriving at the National Mall this week were met with the surreal sight of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool drained, painted...
NBA Announces Knicks Games Will Now Carry Graphic Content Warnings
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Monday that the remainder of New York Knicks playoff broadcasts will begin with a brief graphic content warning...
Tiger Woods Spotted Preparing for Comeback at Drunk Driving Range
JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Golf fans were stunned this week after Tiger Woods was reportedly seen fine-tuning his game at what witnesses described as a...
