FEATURED
Politics
SCOTUS Deems Witch-Burning Constitutional as Long as Accused Given Opportunity to Confess
WASHINGTON, DC — The Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that witch-burning should be deemed constitutional, provided the accused is given a meaningful opportunity to confess before...
DOJ Charges Comey With Look-Maxxing to Make Presidential Jawline Appear Weak
WASHINGTON, DC — The U.S. Department of Justice on Tuesday announced charges against former FBI director James Comey, alleging he engaged in a coordinated “look-maxxing”...
“No More Mr. Nice Guy” Trump Sternly Declares In Ruffled Pink “Mrs. Nice Guy” Dress
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a solemn address delivered from what aides later confirmed was “definitely not a costume closet,” President Trump announced a dramatic shift...
Visibly Intoxicated Patel Spotted Serving Cease-and-Desist Order to Eastern Seaboard
OCEAN CITY, MD — Witnesses along the Maryland coast reported a somewhat confused and visibly intoxicated Kash Patel wading knee-deep into the Atlantic surf, attempting to...
Entertainment
Technology
Tim Cook to Be Replaced by Near-Identical, More Expensive CEO with a Nicer Camera
CUPERTINO, CA — In a move executives described as “a minor system update,” Tim Cook announced he will step down as CEO of Apple, to...
Palantir Claims Domestic Surveillance is Only Aimed at Finding Future Resistance Leader Who Keeps Sending Back Time-Traveling Soldiers to Disrupt Company Operations
MIAMI, FL —Responding to growing concerns over its expanding data collection practices,...
SPORTS
Tiger Woods Spotted Preparing for Comeback at Drunk Driving Range
JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Golf fans were stunned this week after Tiger Woods was reportedly seen fine-tuning his game at...
Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook
READING, PA — Three days after asking a coworker if Duke was “one of the better high school teams,” local...
Tiger Woods Spotted Preparing for Comeback at Drunk Driving Range
JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Golf fans were stunned this week after Tiger Woods was reportedly seen fine-tuning his game at what witnesses described as a...
Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook
READING, PA — Three days after asking a coworker if Duke was “one of the better high school teams,” local marketing associate Brian Kelleher has...
NBA Confirms Bam’s 83 Will Be Recorded with Asterisk Reading: ‘Against the Wizards’
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Wednesday that Bam Adebayo’s historic 83-point performance will officially remain in the record books, though league statisticians confirmed...
USA Hockey Players Report Gold Medal Slightly Heavier Due to the Kash Patel Dangling From It
MILAN, ITALY — The gold medal was already heavy. That was the point. Forged to symbolize decades of heartbreak, redemption, and slap shots off the...
RFK Jr. and Kid Rock Announce Bipartisan Fitness Initiative After Ripping Rails off Toilet Seats in Matching Denim Gym Suits
NASHVILLE, TN — Flanked by two aggressively mirrored squat racks and what appeared to be a bathroom attendant serving electrolyte shots out of Dixie cups,...
