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Visibly Intoxicated Patel Spotted Serving Cease-and-Desist Order to Eastern Seaboard
OCEAN CITY, MD — Witnesses along the Maryland coast reported a somewhat confused and visibly intoxicated Kash Patel wading knee-deep into the Atlantic surf, attempting to...
Hegseth Maintains Batusi at White House Pancake Breakfast Was Compelled by the Holy Spirit
WASHINGTON, DC — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth on Friday defended his widely criticized decision to perform the Batusi at the White House Pancake Breakfast,...
White House Spiritual Advisor Channeling Demonic Entity to Fight the Pope Confident She’s On the Good Side of This Whole Thing
APOPKA, FL — White House Spiritual Advisor Paula White assured reporters Thursday that the shadowy, horned figure she summoned during a late-night prayer session was...
Melania Describes Relationship With Maxwell as “Two Sex-Trafficking Ships Passing in the Night”
WASHINGTON, DC — In a surprise news conference, First Lady Melania Trump insisted Thursday that her relationship with Ghislaine Maxwell amounted to nothing more than...
Entertainment
Technology
Palantir Claims Domestic Surveillance is Only Aimed at Finding Future Resistance Leader Who Keeps Sending Back Time-Traveling Soldiers to Disrupt Company Operations
MIAMI, FL —Responding to growing concerns over its expanding data collection practices, Palantir executives clarified Monday that the company’s domestic surveillance programs are “extremely targeted”...
Billionaire Space Moguls Claim Artemis Rocket Only Looks Bigger Because of Camera Angles
KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FL — Executives close to NASA report an unusual...
SPORTS
Tiger Woods Spotted Preparing for Comeback at Drunk Driving Range
JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Golf fans were stunned this week after Tiger Woods was reportedly seen fine-tuning his game at...
Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook
READING, PA — Three days after asking a coworker if Duke was “one of the better high school teams,” local...
Tiger Woods Spotted Preparing for Comeback at Drunk Driving Range
JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Golf fans were stunned this week after Tiger Woods was reportedly seen fine-tuning his game at what witnesses described as a...
Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook
READING, PA — Three days after asking a coworker if Duke was “one of the better high school teams,” local marketing associate Brian Kelleher has...
NBA Confirms Bam’s 83 Will Be Recorded with Asterisk Reading: ‘Against the Wizards’
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Wednesday that Bam Adebayo’s historic 83-point performance will officially remain in the record books, though league statisticians confirmed...
USA Hockey Players Report Gold Medal Slightly Heavier Due to the Kash Patel Dangling From It
MILAN, ITALY — The gold medal was already heavy. That was the point. Forged to symbolize decades of heartbreak, redemption, and slap shots off the...
RFK Jr. and Kid Rock Announce Bipartisan Fitness Initiative After Ripping Rails off Toilet Seats in Matching Denim Gym Suits
NASHVILLE, TN — Flanked by two aggressively mirrored squat racks and what appeared to be a bathroom attendant serving electrolyte shots out of Dixie cups,...
