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Politics
Congress Demands Fauci Explain Why Puppies Are So Cute
WASHINGTON, DC — Fresh off years of their investigation into pandemics, vaccines, viruses, and immunology, GOP members of Congress announced Wednesday they have expanded their...
Congress Solves Budget Crisis By Scheduling Much Bigger Budget Crisis For Later
WASHINGTON, DC — After another marathon round of negotiations that stretched well into the evening, Congress proudly announced it had once again solved America's budget...
DNC Intern Who Forgot to Rig 2024 Election Mistakenly Thought It Would Blow Over
WASHINGTON, DC — A former Democratic National Committee intern reportedly spent months convincing himself that everyone had moved on from his embarrassing mistake of forgetting...
McConnell Filibusters Family’s Attempt to Take Him Off Life Support
LOUISVILLE, KY — In what relatives described as "the most Mitch McConnell outcome imaginable," the former Senate Republican leader successfully filibustered his family's democratic vote...
Entertainment
Technology
SpaceX IPO Earns Musk Earns Title of Poorest Excuse for a Human Being
AUSTIN, TX — Following the wildly successful IPO of SpaceX, which pushed his net worth beyond every other human being on Earth, Elon Musk celebrated...
Peter Thiel Unveils New Argentine Volcano Fortress Designed to Withstand Market Crashes, Solar Flares, and Democracy
PATAGONIA, ARGENTINA — Tech billionaire Peter Thiel this week unveiled plans for...
SPORTS
FIFA Shocked to Learn International Fans Unwilling to Spend $4,000 to Be Harassed for Their Papers
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND — FIFA officials expressed confusion and disappointment this week after discovering that many international soccer fans were reluctant...
Trump Moves NBA Finals to White House Court So He Doesn’t Have to Leave Couch
WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump announced Thursday that the NBA Finals would be immediately relocated to a newly painted basketball...
FIFA Shocked to Learn International Fans Unwilling to Spend $4,000 to Be Harassed for Their Papers
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND — FIFA officials expressed confusion and disappointment this week after discovering that many international soccer fans were reluctant to spend thousands of dollars...
Trump Moves NBA Finals to White House Court So He Doesn’t Have to Leave Couch
WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump announced Thursday that the NBA Finals would be immediately relocated to a newly painted basketball court on the grounds of...
Reflecting Pool Converted Into Trump-Branded Pickleball Complex
WASHINGTON, DC — Tourists arriving at the National Mall this week were met with the surreal sight of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool drained, painted...
NBA Announces Knicks Games Will Now Carry Graphic Content Warnings
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Monday that the remainder of New York Knicks playoff broadcasts will begin with a brief graphic content warning...
Tiger Woods Spotted Preparing for Comeback at Drunk Driving Range
JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Golf fans were stunned this week after Tiger Woods was reportedly seen fine-tuning his game at what witnesses described as a...
